as much as i thought i could walk out of this. as much as i thought i could get over this. i just cant. i, simply, cant. this morning, it all seems so hard. i woke up to miss you so damn much. i walked on the streets at 630am only to really feel the coldness and loneliness. i missed the days when i spent such an hour with you by my side, on the grass patch or in the car. really, baby. how did we end up to this state? my heart hurts alot. so much till i cant describe with words anymore, but just tears. and they just wont stop. and i dont know how to make them stop. tomorrow marks 6th month. but sadly, i will be alone. i wished you knew how much i missed you.

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its been 4months ever since we bid our last goodbyes. ever since, i tried very hard to walk out, walk away and pretend all of that didnt happen. but, i failed. i couldnt. even till today, each time i see you, i very much want to hold your hands, hug your waist, kiss your lips and lie against your chest. but, i know, all of that will not be happening again. i still hold on to that hope that one day, our paths will cross and merge again. but, as each day passes by, that hope is growing thin. that faith is growing small. the strength is growing weak. all that memories are just so hard to wash away. the nights spent at supper places, the nights at gardens and marina barrage, the evening runs at bedok reservoir and ecp, the dinners at lagoon, the walks at ntuc and giant and carrefour. it was a short 5-week, but it was the best that happened to me in my 25years. and now, i have to cast them aside and walk alone. we seem like total strangers now. we walk different paths. we dont even hold proper conversations. it just seems so damn hard. i just miss you. i wished you knew. and i wished you would feel the same. at the end of all these, i hope our hearts meet again. for now, baby, i still love you.

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As the title suggests, yes it has been two weeks since we decided to end the relationship and stay as mutual friends. Looking back at the memories we shared, i have no idea how we could bring ourselves to this decision? Have we made a hasty decision to start the relationship on 10th Aug? Or, have we been rash in ending this relationship on 19th Sept? It felt like a long roller coaster ride that i can never get off. Or rather, i dont want to. I have no idea what i am holding on to. i dont know what the future lies for me, for him nor for us (if there still is a us). All i know, it hurts so badly right now.. it has been each day since the 19th. I am living in denial now. each day, i smile and pretend everything is fine. But, is it? Is it really fine? Am i really ok? I dont think so. All i know is that i miss him so much. day by day, it gets worse. :'( I scan through the pictures, read back at the messages, think of the places we been to, etc. They were just too much to forget. Like i always say, i cannot snap my fingers and pretend ALL these never ever happened. They were sweet, wonderful memories. And, i dont want to erase them. But if i dont, once and for all, how can i ever move on? My feelings for him are still here. I still want to be by him to care and support him. I still want to be that understanding, patient, honest, kind girl he knew months back when we were friends and when we started the relationship. But now, im so so tired. Im so tired of chasing. Im so so drained from keeping up to my own energy. What do i get in return? Just, tear drops. nothing more. They all say that a year is short. we can pull through with strength. But, i feel so so so damn weak. Its only been 2weeks and it felt like forever. I never wanted to let go. and it has been very very trying. i have been putting on fake smiles and laughters just so everything will be fine. Im crumbling into pieces. i am so tired. all i want is for him to tell me he misses me and he still likes and we can have another shot at this. let's just hold on. But, no. This aint happening. He said we can be like before. good friends. Really? Can we be like before? I am trying really hard to be like before. But him? I wished he knew all these. really. It's.....Just....So...Painful....So.....Tiring......

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The big hoohaa about Pastor Kong Hee and the fraud that CHC has definitely brought about much talk about Christianity and the people of Christ. Firstly, what is Christianity? Is it all about the time and money that we contribute to the church that we worship in? Or, is it all about that sacred and special relationship that we share with God? I would say, both. Through the support from the people of God, we continue to build that relationship with Him and continue to anchor our lives with Him. Now, CHC has brought much talk around the country and many non-believers have another point to push Christians who are working towards the will of God to outreach and enfold and save lost souls. Believers, ourselves, also tend to judge Pastor Kong Hee and his fellow church members. But honestly, who are we to judge? At the end of the day, we all make mistakes. God knows the heart of His people and ultimately, He will judge and bring light to the situation that Pastor Kong Hee is in. If Pastor Kong Hee has sinned, he will pay his due. As people of God, we need to stand together and continue to pray for the Christian faith in general, so that we continue to build that relationship with God and we continue to work towards bringing glory to God's name.

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God. The man who has saved me from my darkest hours. The man who has sent His Son to sacrifice his life for me who was born of a sinner. The man who has assured me of His blessings in my life. The man who has held me when i am scared. The man who has protected me from pains. The man who has walked with me through times of trials and tribulations. The man who has loved me unconditionally. He is my Father. He is my King. He is GOD. Yes, that is just a brief introduction to my spiritual Father who has created me and gave me new life. He has never forsaken me. I know all these in my heart. and i have sinned against Him many times when my emotions overflow and have created a fog in my spiritual life. many times, i uphold the belief that the Lord loves me and He knows what is best for me. But, deep down inside, i am fearful. i am scared. i am uncertain. How can i hold on tight to His Word of assurance and deliverance? I know i should. I know i must. But, why is it that sometimes my mind doesnt coordinate with my heart and my spirit? The recent situation that i am in now really made me stumble upon my faith and walk with the Lord. Do i really have that courage and confidence to trust Him fully, with all my heart and might? Or, am i just building a false front to make people think that i am really bold in my faith? I am not. I am weak. His Words has reminded me time and time again to be patient, to wait upon His promises in my life, to believe in my prayers to him, etc. And i thank God for these timely reminders in the situation that i am in. really. I just need a time off all these and breathe. i need to take a step back and see where all these are leading to. Father, if you have sent your people to counsel me, then Lord i pray and ask that they approach me soon because i dont have what it takes to make that first step to speak. Father, i also pray that as i speak to my counsellor, may You anoint my lips and heart to share as openly and as honestly as i can. Father, i also pray that whatever plans that follow after will be smooth and positive. You know me through and through, Lord. I dont have what it takes to go through another round of being brokenhearted especially if this involves a brother in Charis. Father, i pray that Your favour be bestowed upon the friendship that we share and that Lord you continue to bless us in our individual walk with You as we continue to build that personal and sacred relationship with You. Father, i thank you for listening to me because You are my Father and i know i am Your blessed child. Father, i pray that Your Words and comfort continue to feed me as i walk through each day. All these i pray in the name of Jesus, AMEN!

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Let's give thanks for 2011!

What do you have to give thanks for?

Well, 2011 was a year of many new things for me. New career, New school, New relationships, re-Newal of faith, New life.

I embarked on my career in early childhood and even started my diploma studies this year. It has been a challenge, a tiring journey. But, i am thankful that God has strengthened me and blessed me with loving and caring brothers and sisters around me in Charis and SEED to encourage and cheer me on. I am thankful that i can be a blessing to them as well. :)

New relationships - By God's grace, i am thankful that i have strengthened and improved my relationship with daddy and mummy. I can see how God has worked in my life by allowing me to be patient most of the time and be able to hold proper and mature conversations with them. He has also allowed me to understand the love and care my parents have showered on me all these 23years of my love. Despite all the frustrations and anger that i had before, they still loved me the same.

By His loving grace, i have also renewed some friendships. Over the season of giving and sharing, i met up with zijun, alice, huiting and peishan. Friends that i have not met for years. A simple dinner affair just made the whole heart felt so warmed and loved. Praise God for His abundant love peace hope and joy!

This year was an emotional year for me. It was definitely a journey of ups and downs and how i was brought to come forth before the Lord to confess and proclaim His love for me to the world. I was baptised on October 16. This is the day that marked a new life and new faith for me. A journey of loving, sharing, caring, encouraging, blessing, etc lies ahead of me as i walk hand in hand with the Lord and bring more people to come to know this loving Father and experience His greatness! :)

As 2012 approaches in a few hours, i pray that my family and friends continue to seek joy love peace and hope in the Lord and trust in Him that He can make the change in their lives and He will be there for us whenever we look up. :)

For we are called, His children.

Hallelujah. Praise the Lord. AMEN!

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16 October 2011 - this marks another milestone of my Christian life in Charis Tabernacle.
This date and day marks my water baptism at East Coast Park.

A year and a half ago, i never sought God for anything and everything. I depended mostly on myself and abit of luck. I never imagines how powerful and amazing His blessings can be. Indeed, He is awesome.

I never imagined my life now before. I never thought i could openly share about Christ and His blessings the way im doing now. I never dared imagine i could ever get this close with daddy. Its just amazing how God took away all the differences and unhappiness away and blessed my lives and those around me.

Once again, God is great.

Im thankful for pastors, the brothers and sisters in church for being so encouraging, supportive and caring towards new believers like myself. And i thank God for strengthening me each time i fall. Indeed, His abundant blessings just fill me up. Amen!

As i embark on a new Christian journey, i pray for my parents and sister and nephew to be open to attending svc in Charis and to allow the fellow brothers and sisters and pastors to minister to them.

May the Lord bless them. Amen.

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